Why I Seriously Cannot Live Without Carl’s Jr.’s Barbeque Sauce!

Wow! Welcome back to me. I finally decided to write a blog after gee I don’t know, 9 months. Now listen everyone, and by everyone I mean none of you, I have been racking my brain thinking over and over again about what would be a worth while topic to wax lyrical with all of you. And of course you know I had to come correct! I had to think of a topic that only I gave a dumb fucking shit about. Seriously, no one gives a rats ass about what I have to say on the subject of the pursuit for the perfect barbecue sauce. Unfortunately for them, I have fucking found it! But it only dwells in little sauce packets made for dipping and now valued at $0.37 a packet for any quantity over 2. You cannot purchase it in a bottle at the grocery store and it doesn’t have some ignorant redneck marketing or name attached to it. Its just fucking Carl’s Jr. (or Hardees for you east coast hillbillies) Barbecue Sauce.

First let me offer you a little background on me. My name is Mark, I am 30, and I love cooking and eating, and I fucking love sauces. I can drink them out of a bottle or cup, whatever, I do not give a shit. All sauces, all flavors, all purposes, all for the drinking without actual food vehicles, say like a steak or chicken nugget to carry them on, straight into my gullet. In culinary school, the class I paid most attention in was, you guessed it, ‘Sauces.’ Ok I am glad we understand each other now.

Here is a side tid bit ( I apologize in advance for digressing): I actually read once that those who partake in herbal remedies always get way too many extra condiments at fast food establishments, when compared to those not under the influence. Come on all of you, we are all guilty for having the 500 hundred extra hot sauce packets we make the poor Taco Bell employee give us at the drive-thru before we leave or that stingy fucker at In-N-Out Burger who only gives us 3 fucking packets of ketchup to dilly-daddle with our order of weak-ass limpy fries. Well, stoners seem to have a proclivity towards eating insanely seasoned or flavored foods when under the influence because it induces another sense of euphoria separate from the one they are already having. Got to keep that high alive I guess. Ever notice that when baked, people will always eat things that require hot sauce, or ketchup, or in my case barbecue sauce, or even say saucy things like pizza, and don’t forget the same thing applies for sweet foods like cereal out of the box without milk (which without sauce meaning milk, induces the same euphoria) and ice cream.

I been obsessed with the finding my favorite barbecue sauce ever since I first had it when I was probably 9 years old. I been putting McDonald’s barbecue sauce on things that weren’t nuggets since the early days of happy meals and free toys in boxes.  I used to think that supermarket stuff like Bull’s Eye and K.C. Masterpiece were amazing. That’s what you get for being an uninformed teenager. Then I tried everything from the cheapest of the cheap garbage you might find covered in dust buried in the middle of a third row in some random Wichita, KS 7-11 to $20 a bottle shit from Napa valley doused in Cabernet and ridden with molasses and brown sugar.

Well I got the top 3 all round up. Second and third place here are really a tie because one is better than the other but the other is one that is much more accessible to me.  So if any of you ever drive on HWY 37 out in Napa and see a place called Angelo’s Deli, don’t hesitate, just STOP! Aside from the fact that their Jerky is sensational, he also has a $3  BBQ Sauce that has something like 5 ingredients, off the top of my head ketchup, mustard, brown sugar, sonoma county red wine. Thats it. It is fucking delicious. I buy 4 bottles everytime I pass Angelo’s.

I also had the pleasure of recently visiting Kansas City, MO with my boy Chris and my other boy Christophe, no I am not joking. We went to the legendary Arthur Bryant’s because that is the only thing to do in Kansas City. I had some burnt ends open faced on some white bread with baked beans and tons of squirts of their homemade sauce and it was truly epic. Had a nice vinegar bite to it, nice and simple like the previous sauce. But I can’t always get that sauce because of it’s location, so I just stick to Angelo’s.

And now the reason why we are all gathered here today. Carl’s Jr. BBQ Sauce!!!! All praise its glory! I am starting to believe there is a secret society of worshippers that are laughing at me and can’t wait to recruit me into their new religion. All these years I felt alone but I know you are out there. All you fat gluttons who have to order their Westen Bacon Cheeseburgers with extra sauce, or those who need it just to dip their fries in it, even the freaky ones who try to stockpile it at home but it never works because they never make it that far!!! Just put the fucking sauce in a bottle already would you? With its sweet tangy goodness with pepper flakes mixed in….All I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU! That’s it, heaven be thy name!

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